I didn’t cry. I got teary putting him in his car seat, and when showing coworkers pictures. But I did not cry. I think I sobbed all the tears out last night. Luke did great at daycare, no problems with bottles. Yes that makes me mad. I wanted him to cry, to refuse bottles. MISS ME DAMMIT! I realize that’s irrational and I don’t care. As soon as I got him home, I nursed him. All was right in my world after that.
Pumping at work was…awkward. Sitting in the back of my mail truck while attached to a breast pump just wasn’t the way I wanted to spend my day. Plus it’s hot back there! But it’s better than formula. I have found that drinking a lot of water before starting, and leaning forward is really helpful. I’m sure with time the awkwardness will fade away.
So we made it through our first day drama free. There’s still the rest of the week for things to fall apart. Me in particular. It just doesn’t feel right, not being with my newborn. One day at a time, I know I’ll get through this. I’ll just have to squeeze Luke a little tighter. And refuse to share him with daddy!
Today is my last day of maternity leave. To say my heart is breaking is an understatement. My eyes and heart have been teary all day. I can’t imagine not spending every waking hour with my babies. Thanks to bed rest and laws that don’t support mothers, I am being forced back three weeks early. I am trying to trust in this struggle. I am trying to have faith that this is all part of God’s plan, there is a reason for all of this. Lord grant me strength.
Instead, let’s focus on the good. Grace passed her swim lessons! We’ll probably sign her up for another over the winter. But who knows? Grace has shown an interest in archery, and there’s a youth league we could sign her up for. I myself have been thinking over getting into bow hunting. Her interest finally gave me the push I needed to express my interest to Chris. He’s positively giddy. I don’t know if Grace’s interest will ever expand beyond archery and into bow hunting, but I want to support her varied interests in every way I can. So, I’ve been researching and test shooting bows. You can expect to find me decked out in camo and in a tree stand for the 2014 deer season.
My garden was left untouched for just over a week. It’s an untamed jungle and I’m afraid to step foot in it. The radishes have disappeared, but I did unbury the lettuce! It’s going to take a lot of work to get that jungle tamed, but I’m up for the challenge.
This is going to be a very emotional week. I know I’ll survive, I know that everything is going to be ok. But damn, it would be so nice to be a stay at home mom…